How to Fucking Make A Real Fucking Do-It-Your-Fucking-Self Fucking Punk Rock Band
by Squeeze
Since a lot of people who fucking claim to be fucking Punk Rockers religiously follow the DIY ethic, here's how to shut those bastards up, and have them cry and piss themselves to sleep (cuz honestly, people who brag are assholes and poseurs anyway).
Step one: Find a random dude (or dudette, tranny, gender neutral, or a fucking amoeba, it doesn't really matter. You know what, let's go outside the box more, the singer is a fucking rock) as a singer (talent optional).
The second step is having some sort of guitarist. There are two ways of doing it for free, though both will take a bunch of effort, but it could be worth ending the trend of fake crusty Blink 182 rip-offs ruining local shows with their acoustic pop punk songs.
The first instrument is a fucking mouthbow, played by white trash hillbillies who live in stolen trailers.
In short, it's predominant in Appalachian Music, and is the perfect to play while being blinded by fucking moonshine cut with wood alcohol. What you do to make the fucking thing, is you get a tree branch (the wood must be green, meaning NOT rotten... the color itself doesn't matter), and get out your Hep C-infested knife to cut two grooves into the stick, at the ends. Then find a tennis racket in the garbage of some random bullshit country club, and de-string it. Next take one end of the string and put it into the groove of the one end of the stick. Then bend the stick until you can tie the other end of the string to the other end of the stick.
To play the instrument, just put the one end of the bow to your mouth, and pluck the string. To get different sounds, just make different shapes with your mouth.
The plus side of this instrument, is it can be made for free, and it's also a real long bow, so you can shoot targets with it (I use a poster of Nicki Minaj's ass because her music sucks and it is easy to hit for how fucking huge it is). The cons? It doesn't pick up well on a fucking mic, and looks like you're practicing your fellatio skills.
Second string instrument is a called a diddley bow, or single-string zither, if you're a fucking snooty
twat.
To make this, just get a fucking plank of wood, two beer bottles, a guitar string, screws, and nails. Put the two screws in, halfway, on opposite sides of the plank, vertically (I figured I would have to specify this, in case someone as stupid as a person voting for Rick Santorum is reading this). Then, wrap the string around the screws, slide the beer bottles underneath the string, nail the fuckers in place, then tighten the screws until you get the tuning you want (most are tuned to G, as in G-String).
To play it, get something to use as a guitar slide (like a socket, or the knife you used to make the mouth bow), and pluck or strike the string while sliding the slide on it.
The third instrument is a little more complex, and it's called a "canjo."
You take a planks of wood that are wide enough to put two strings on it, put it inside a can (with both ends of the can open), then duct tape the plank to the can. Then get two screws and screw them into the wood on the side that is sticking out of the can a little bit (the can is the fucking resonator). Now wrap the fucking strings around the screws, and fully tighten them. Then take a drill, drill two holes the size of guitar tuning pegs, and screw in the pegs with them sticking out of the hole.
Next, get two bolts, place the one bolt between the can and screws on one end, and one a little bit after the tuning pegs. Now tighten the strings.
This instrument can be played like a regular fucking guitar.
Next instrument is a cigar box guitar. The materials for this can be found for free, except for the tools to make it. You will need a drill and your Hep C knife at the very least. The instructions are about the same as the canjo, except there are three strings and a cigar box is used as a resonator. I could give more details, but it would make for a long article, so I am just going to say fucking Google the directions.Finally, we have a third step in place, and this is for the bass player.
There are two ways this can be done, either via a washtub bass, or via a jug player. Both will have a low bottom end sound to go with the guitar melodies.
To build the washtub bass, get a washtub, and poke a hole in the bottom of it. Then get a length of nylon string, feed it through the hole, and tie a not in the inside end of the washtub so the string will not go through the hole.
Next, get a broomstick and carve a slit as wide as the bottom lip of the washtub. Now wrap the untied end of the string to the top of the broomstick until tight. To play it, just move the broom stick back and forth creating different tensions of the string for the notes.
In the case of the jug, just find a jug, and put your lips over one side of it and buzz your lips for the different notes. Videos on YouTube explain this better.
Now for the drummer. Pretty much, find a washboard and a bunch of thimbles or two spoons and make drum beats off of that, or just get anything that makes a noise.
Now take a combination of any number of these instruments, start a band, and show off how seriously you take this DIY shit and piss off bragging poseurs in the process.
