News | Parma Mayoral Candidate Warns About Refugee Threat

by D.X. Ferris, Nick Wolff, and the Associated Press [sic]

Parma politician Nick Wolff warned about a looming Cleveland-area crisis in a speech during March’s mayoral primaries.

“I want to talk about a serious issue,” said Wolff. “Refugees.”

Wolff delivered the speech at the bar in Parma Heights’ Yorktown Lanes bowling alley. After a manager interrupted and threw him out, he later posted the text on Facebook.

Wolff is one of 38 locals running for mayor of Parma following the premature passing of James “Jim” Konya. Wolff warned of an imminent invasion by colorful outlanders.

January 16, Lakewood dive bar, the Spitfire Saloon, closed. For nearly a decade, the tavern had provided hospitable shelter, live music, and cheap Pabst products for area punks.

“When the Spitfire a closed its doors,” said Wolff, “I was scrolling through posts by a bunch of mohawkio’ed, 30-somethings crammed into a corner, throwing PBR, and having a good time. And I was hit with a disturbing thought: ‘Where will they go?’”

Wolff, a 37-year-old internet radio talk-show host, is the capo de regime of the political party N.W.O Wolffpack. Previously, the longtime community activist organized the short-lived Musicians' Local 00 union.

“For the last nine years, the Spitfire had been like a roach motel, collecting all the undesirables and miscreants in a sticky paste of PBR, puke, and punk rock,” said Wolff. “It was the plug that kept the sewage out of the Cleveland area's fine establishments.”

Wolff’s punk-rock cred includes musical group the Eviction Party, Pride of Ohio, the Lottery League project Can’t Won’t Mustn’t, and his self-titled band, which wrote a swell song about the socio-politically oriented HBO series The Wire.

“An alarming number of these refugees are headed to a bar near you,” warned Wolff. “It could be the Foundry. It could be the Happy Dog. It could even be your favorite neighborhood dive. Now That's Class is already bursting with even worse people.”

Wolff’s words did not fall on deaf ears. The Facebook version of the rant attracted nearly 50 likes.

“Before you welcome these refugees, remember,” warned Wolff’s Facebook friend Donald Trump. “They may LOOK alternative, but many of them have radical conservative agendas. I say we impose a moratorium on new punk-rockers until we can find out what's really going on.”

Wolff’s incendiary rhetoric provoked more heated responses.

“I suspect that many of these self-declared ‘anarchists’ are really law-abiding citizens,” read one reply. “Hearings must be held.”

The frontman argued that his artistic success and temperament made him far better suited to judge people than the other candidates, who he called “politically correct social-media keyboard warriors.”

“Great, you have a lip ring,” said Wolff. “But it doesn’t matter how you wear your hair. It’s what’s inside your head.”

Wolff later returned to the bowling alley and delivered a monologue to a crowd of karaoke-night regulars. He took the microphone purportedly to sing “Don’t Stop Believing”, but instead delivered a monologue as the track played in the background. Wolff proposed a strict screening test to weed out people who are internally plain.

“They may be jaundiced, and they may be wearing tattered denim jackets adorned with dozens of patches,” said Wolff. “But many of them have rejected traditional values, only to adopt a new orthodoxy of restrictive dress codes and moral prescriptions.”

The N.W.O. Wolffpack’s primary platform is the controversial Spitfire Refugee Program. The initiative would grant drink discounts and preferential service to “true punks” while instituting high cover charges for “fashion-oriented poseurs” who enjoy pop-punk, attend the Warped Tour and crowd Social Distortion concerts.

Wolff also continued to criticize the collective Cleveland punk scene, citing poorly attended Eviction Party shows and a recent Face Value reunion that only drew a small crowd. He questioned West Side punks’ espoused beliefs in contrast to their spending habits.

"I say they prove that they're punk," stated Wolff. "How are they proving it? Many of these eccentric characters might even be Christian."

The growing “Keep Parma Punk” movement advocates a test for unfamiliar pierced faces when they appear at local watering holes. The Wolffpack’s “Triple A” statement of values promotes “action, attitude, and authenticity.”

“If they’re so punk-rock, are they willing to spit on a Bible?” said Wolff. “Will they break a window? Maybe these so-called punk-rock girls will kiss another woman in exchange for a free shot of J├Ąger. And maybe the men will speak up in favor of gay rights. But will they participate in a truly deviant sexual act? I say they put their money — and their mouths, and their votes — where their mouth is. People of Parma, you have a right to know who you’re drinking with.”