Artless Nonculture: January 2016

THE ARTLESS NONCULTURE TOP 40

Alright, you sonsabitches! The moment you've all been waiting for:

It's ANC's Top 40 playlist for the month of January!

These are the songs that've really been tingling our private areas over the last 4 weeks or so, and if you really know what's good for you, you'll listen to THESE TRACKS ONLY for the next couple of hours—or at least for as long as your pathetic attention spans can handle it:

Columns | Rancid Vat: The Most Underrated Punk Band In Existence

by John Stahlman

I'm here to talk about Rancid Vat.

In case you bastards are illiterate, I'm talking about the punk band that came out of the hell hole of Portland, Oregon (not that I think it was bad, but the band hated their city of origin, so it is best to describe it in a term they would like).

Not Rancid.

So this article will in no way mention the band Rancid again, because no way in hell are they underrated. Rancid Vat, on the other hand, is.

Formed sometime in the '80s the band has gone through many line up changes, with the husband and wife duo of Phil Irwin and Marla Vee. Despite their unique and ahead-of-their-time sound, this band has never gotten the respect they deserved throughout their three eras (being the Portland, Philly, and Austin line-ups). Maybe it's because they did their own thing and rejected (and still reject) trends throughout their 30-something years of playing.

The first era was the Portland line-up of Phil Irwin (guitar), Marla Vee (drums), Eric Larsen (bass) and Steve Wilson (vocals). They started out as a noise rock group (due to Phil not knowing how to play traditional chords at the time) and got their name from dicking around with a Ouija Board, asking "spirits" what to call their band.

Eventually the band developed a very sludgy sound, reminiscent of the Seattle grunge bands that came into popularity in the next decade. Most of their lyrics were extremely nihilistic, with songs about murder, rage, and also contempt for the punk music scene at the time being trendy. Personally, it's a breathe of fresh air to listen to a band that goes back to the old themes of "no future" and "fuck off", since it seems more relatable for those trapped in a music scene that has been taken over by rules.

Not only this, but they have also written songs praising their favorite wrestlers at the time, and even covered wresting theme songs and music groups that they played with (such as Antiseen).

One of the main interesting aspects to the band's sound during the Portland days is Steve Wilson's vocals, which are extremely atypical in punk music: he sounds like a very menacing and mentally unstable John C. Reilly.

Songs to check out from this line up include "Apathy" (my favorite from the band), "Face Full of Teeth" (Antiseen cover, but it out-does the original), "Deeds of the Damned", "HHHH", and "When the Rolls Called Down Under".

After creating a bit of buzz, the band got a chance to move away from Portland, and they relocated to Philly, while unfortunately leaving Eric Larsen (who was previously fired) and Steve Wilson behind.

However, the Philly line-up became a force to be reckoned with. With the Cosmic Commander of Wrestling (RIP) fronting them, it added a more chaotic element to their sound with his extremely raspy and intense voice. This was actually the line-up that got me into them, and I wish I could've witnessed seeing this version of the band live.

Recommended songs from this line-up include "Hostile City U.S.A.", "Rock N' Roll Fraud", "Loser Leaves Town", and "Live Radio Fiasco" (includes a cover of Adrian Street's "Breaking Bones").

After some success touring with long time friends Antiseen, and other insane acts like the Murder Junkies and Hammerlock, the band again relocated, this time to Austin, Texas, and recruited Texas Studd as their new vocalist (as the Cosmic Commander decided to remain in his hometown of Philadelphia). Although a bit weak compared to the other previous vocalists, he does a pretty damn good job.

Recommended songs include "Die Hipster Die", "Imagine What I Could Do To You" (another Adrian Street cover), and "We Hate You All The Way From Texas".

Despite the line-up changes, they always had a "no bullshit" approach to punk rock, let alone rock music in general—An element that has been missing for some time, and is probably why they do not get the respect they deserve, or even taken seriously due to their noise rock origins—Which is bullshit, since everything they released does not sound dated, at all, and elements from even their earliest material can be heard in modern day bands.

John Stahlman is the current bassist of the punk trio Omission and has also been in numerous other bands in the northwestern Pa scene, including Paint Thinner, TxSxOxDx, Made Not Born, Wydell, and Choke The Bastard (now Vermin Warfare). He has a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford and majored in Broadcast Communications with a minor in Public Relations, if that has any merit to it anymore. While at college he hosted a few radio shows at the campus' student radio station WDRQ1620 AM, most notably the Underground Vault, which played local music, and also covered the Biological and Health Sciences department while writing for the student newspaper The Source. Stahlman is currently unemployed, in debt, and has gotten to embrace even more of his nihilistic punk rock view of life.

Reviews | Sam and Whiskey's Drunk Listening Party, Vol. 1

ANC staff members Sam Sinister and Whiskey got together one day over drinks to listen to some Cleveland punk bands' digital releases on Bandcamp. These reviews are the result.

Party Plates - s/t 7" (2014)

Sam: Okay, so I guess these guys are kind of angry about something. Is this crust? The recording quality reminds me of old black metal, but I think it might be crust or d-beat. It's not unlistenable, at least not for me, but I don't think I'm in the mood for it at the moment. And trust me, this is music I would have to be in the mood for. Dichordant, quasi-metal guitar riffs and hoarse, unintelligable vocals. It's just monosyllabic sounds.

Are these words? There's also a lot of snare drum. The best part is the part right after the intro to the third track, before the singer starts barking again like a yippy little dog whenever the mailmail shows up.

This all sounds really negative, but honestly I like it. Or, at least, something about it. If it didn't seem like these guys thought they were an awesome band, I'd like it even more.

Whiskey: kidnapping quatro: robotic drums, sloppy guitar solos, & proto screaming vocals. needs to come with a lyrics sheet - totally unintelligible (is that kind of the point?), wow, you’re so pissed.

disforeplay: again, i need the lyrics. do punk/hardcore bands ever have lyrics when the singer is actually screaming? doesn’t his voice hurt after a while? there has to be vocal classes for screamers, right? more sloppy guitars but that obviously doesn’t matter since the rhythm is fairly tight. ah & now we get to the sludgy outro & “discord” false ending.

intro/galloping ghost: chugchugchugchugchugchugchugchugchugchug. “WOOOOOOOORDSSSSS.” chugchugchugchugchugchugchug. “IM SO EROJHLEJSDSLLHFOSHDGLJSBIKWE.” higher tempo chugchugchugchugchugchugchug. it’s like if between the buried & me & a pile of sludge metal shit had a baby.

the one thing i will give these guys credit for is that they obviously don’t take themselves too seriously. super serious hardcore punk bands lately have often have their heads up their asses in regards to their “talent & vision.” the discorded vocals, overdone snare, & choppy guitar riffs definitely lead one to invest in the name: party plates.

Perverts Again - All Over Again (4-track EP, 2014)

Sam: Decent snotty mid-tempo punk rock, SST-style. What's with the flanged, demonic vocals, though? At first I thought it was a gimmick for the opening track, but it's in every song! Overkill, guys! I like the lo-fi approach to the recording, though, and the simplistic guitar/bass/pounding drums formula never fails, at least not for me.

I will say one thing: If these guys never heard of Nirvana I'd be really fucking surprised. Whether or not that's a selling point is entirely up to you, but it reminds me of high school kids who formed bands back when I was, you know, in high school.

Replay value: Not much. Originality: Not much. Listenablity: Sure, why not. The good news is that these guys seem to have a good sense of humor: With song titles like "Bald Spot Boys" and "Outhouse Countdown", you'd have to. They also have "Charged" plastered across the top left corner of their logo, so bonus points for the referential irreverent stuff.

Whiskey: Outhouse Countdown: very simple, straightforward punk groove & lyrics, very silly & campy, the use of the actual countdown is clever. i admit i snickered at some of the lyrics. “brute in the bathroom” chorus is fun & could definitely be screamed while drunk at a show. so far, i’m liking this much more than Party Plates if only for the camp factor & lyrics that are actually understandable.

You’re Not Taking Me to Prom: this song is definitely making me wonder what these guys are like live. the stage show would ideally be pretty outlandish & possibly with a dash of crossdressing & stage humping. (fingers crossed!) drums are incredibly solid & head-nod worthy while the strings are tight. i’m just now noticing the underwater effect on the singr’s voice & it’s giving me a Jabberjaw meets the creature from the black lagoon vibe.

Bald Spot Boy: the same vocal effect is on the singer’s voice that’s definitely intentional & Jabberjaw-ish. so far i’m not blown away by this track because it’s very safe & typical of newer punk bands but it is a decent song with good arrangement. the drummer holds the line down & the guitarist hasn’t overstayed his welcome.

Hunt and Gather: my fear is confirmed: they’ve overdone the underwater effect on the singer’s voice. *yawn* the final track is a dud, limp & lifeless like a lost lamprey. i was pretty into this EP at the beginning but the schtick has worn thin by track 4. still, an okay song.

i do dig the vibe these guys were going for: surf rock meets punk meets garage with overlays of vocal tweaking but it does get tiresome after a few tracks. maybe i will revisit this & come to a different conclusion but for now, it’s an okay effort.

Cruelster - Potatoe Boys LP (2014)

Sam: Old school! Instantly reminds me of Circle Jerks, Black Flag, and Government Issue.

Lots of downstrokes on the guitar, in a Greg Ginn/Johnny Ramone style, and all songs clock in at around a minute or less. Tons of yelling, in a way that doesn't sound contrived. Just pure energy and aggression. Minus any of the metal influences and tough guy posturing typical of most modern hardcore—this is just good ol' fashioned '80s style punk. Mostly mid-tempo fare (for hardcore, at least), with a few double-time circle pit numbers thrown in for good measure.

Not a bad effort; no sir, not by a long shot. A+

Whiskey: i’m not going to bother doing the song titles because they’re less than 90 seconds long.

the recording is what strikes me off the bat; incredibly lo-fi, gritty, & sounds like shit but that’s kind of the charm here. although the vocals are very loud, the lyrics are still comprehensive. high energy & frantic.

the tired trope of using movie quotes is overdone by track 3. but by track 4, i’m back on board for more fist swinging & energy expulsion through the intense guitar churning, tight drums, & call to arms oi inspired lyrics.

these guys are definitely not everyone’s cup of tea but there’s definitely a passion for yesteryear’s punk rock formula: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Ultra Ultra - Swag Ultra (2011)

Sam: No wave/heavy indie rock stuff. The opening track, "Culture Vultures" is decent: angry, snotty, occasionally off-time vocals and heavy, fuzzed-out guitars with a bit of dissonance here and there.

Track 2, "The T.I.V.", whatever that means, has a bit of hardcore/post-hardcore and emo influences (the latter is especially pronounced, unfortunately). Really not my thing.

The third and final offering, "Chimera (Reprise)", starts out sounding sort of like a bad attempt at garage punk, but quickly goes back to being an awful emo/shoegaze hybrid, this time complete with time signature changes and an answering machine message at the end that was aparrently supposed to be funny, but I couldn't tell what it was even saying, so the joke was lost on me.

I wouldn't recommend this release to my worst enemy.

Whiskey: this seems like the most post punk entry that we’ve sampled so far & it’s going down smoothly so far in track one. there’s definitely a mewithoutyou/tiger’s jaw/glassjaw influence here or at least a band i would have seen on warped tour in the late 90s, early 00s.

there are some chunks to gulp through (typical lyrics, predictable riffs, an overall yawn fest to be honest) but it’s incredibly easy to digest. the biggest saving grace is in the tightness of the bass & polished recording.

this band definitely has similar influences of what i grew up enjoying but doesn’t have much edge to their music. i have to admit that i enjoy it if only for the nostalgia factor (much like a warm yoohoo) but it is unremarkable.

Columns | Why Punk Rock Feminists Tend to Be Better Feminists Than the Other Idiots Who Claim the Title

By Mondo Carnage

Feminism: The word has come to have a ton of definitions according to the person's opinion on the movement. One person can view it as a positive movement, made to improve gender equality; another to expand specifically women's rights; a "dangerous" movement, used to promote sexism
against men; or a complete and total joke (if you're a misogynistic asshole).

I personally view feminism as a movement to promote equality amongst the sexes and for all genders. Although it started out to improve equality for women, my belief is that this goal can never be reached without focusing on equality for all, so the definition should therefore expand. This, therefore, is why I make the claim that punk rock feminists are the ones that actually got feminism right.

(Disclaimer: This is based entirely on anecdotal evidence, so it could be total bullshit, but I'm making the argument anyway, even if only for the sake of writing).

From my own experience, people who listen to punk rock and are feminists actually want equality for everyone. They don't spew some anti-sex bullshit message, nor do they support the idea that the male sex is filled with rapists and are, for some reason, subhuman. This is probably due to the diversity of ideas that punk rock creates, and widens the paradigm of individuals who see the world in shades of gray, instead of black and white (with a few exceptions). I've seen punk rock feminists support men who've been raped by women, and stood by men who've been sexually harassed. I've also seen punk rock feminists fight for transgender rights as well.

However, on the other side of the spectrum, within the realm of YouTubeland, it seems this type of feminism—unfortunately—has not expanded outside of punk rock. For some reason, I end up running into videos of women in their 20s ranting like they've read the S.C.U.M. Manifesto way too many times. I've heard things from them saying that all sex is rape, women should be modest because men treat women who wear skimpy outfits as objects (this is true only if the man is a fucking asshole; most men know there's a damn human being in that outfit), and men should be put into certain classes that expose how shitty we are, because a few select individuals of the male sex are terrible human beings, so the majority must be, too.

That logic reminds me of uber-conservative ideologies like "all Muslims are bad," and so they should have to wear markings to identify themselves as Muslim.

Not only this, those internet feminists refuse to acknowledge that women can also rape men, and the fact that men are subjugated to the same victim blaming as women. Because we all know, if a man has a boner, he must be asking for sex, or even if a man is intoxicated he still wants sex, because men just want sex, right? So therefore, no one can rape a man, according to this mentality.

Which is why I say, "thank you," to the punk rock feminists that expose the world to what feminism really is, and tell the internet plague of pseudo-feminists to go fuck off. Because the punk rock feminist fights against the double standards that those sexists spew from their mouths.

Columns | True DIY

How to Fucking Make A Real Fucking Do-It-Your-Fucking-Self Fucking Punk Rock Band

by Squeeze

Since a lot of people who fucking claim to be fucking Punk Rockers religiously follow the DIY ethic, here's how to shut those bastards up, and have them cry and piss themselves to sleep (cuz honestly, people who brag are assholes and poseurs anyway).

Step one: Find a random dude (or dudette, tranny, gender neutral, or a fucking amoeba, it doesn't really matter. You know what, let's go outside the box more, the singer is a fucking rock) as a singer (talent optional).

The second step is having some sort of guitarist. There are two ways of doing it for free, though both will take a bunch of effort, but it could be worth ending the trend of fake crusty Blink 182 rip-offs ruining local shows with their acoustic pop punk songs.

The first instrument is a fucking mouthbow, played by white trash hillbillies who live in stolen trailers.

In short, it's predominant in Appalachian Music, and is the perfect to play while being blinded by fucking moonshine cut with wood alcohol. What you do to make the fucking thing, is you get a tree branch (the wood must be green, meaning NOT rotten... the color itself doesn't matter), and get out your Hep C-infested knife to cut two grooves into the stick, at the ends. Then find a tennis racket in the garbage of some random bullshit country club, and de-string it. Next take one end of the string and put it into the groove of the one end of the stick. Then bend the stick until you can tie the other end of the string to the other end of the stick.

To play the instrument, just put the one end of the bow to your mouth, and pluck the string. To get different sounds, just make different shapes with your mouth.

The plus side of this instrument, is it can be made for free, and it's also a real long bow, so you can shoot targets with it (I use a poster of Nicki Minaj's ass because her music sucks and it is easy to hit for how fucking huge it is). The cons? It doesn't pick up well on a fucking mic, and looks like you're practicing your fellatio skills.

Second string instrument is a called a diddley bow, or single-string zither, if you're a fucking snooty
twat.

To make this, just get a fucking plank of wood, two beer bottles, a guitar string, screws, and nails. Put the two screws in, halfway, on opposite sides of the plank, vertically (I figured I would have to specify this, in case someone as stupid as a person voting for Rick Santorum is reading this). Then, wrap the string around the screws, slide the beer bottles underneath the string, nail the fuckers in place, then tighten the screws until you get the tuning you want (most are tuned to G, as in G-String).

To play it, get something to use as a guitar slide (like a socket, or the knife you used to make the mouth bow), and pluck or strike the string while sliding the slide on it.

The third instrument is a little more complex, and it's called a "canjo."

You take a planks of wood that are wide enough to put two strings on it, put it inside a can (with both ends of the can open), then duct tape the plank to the can. Then get two screws and screw them into the wood on the side that is sticking out of the can a little bit (the can is the fucking resonator). Now wrap the fucking strings around the screws, and fully tighten them. Then take a drill, drill two holes the size of guitar tuning pegs, and screw in the pegs with them sticking out of the hole.

Next, get two bolts, place the one bolt between the can and screws on one end, and one a little bit after the tuning pegs. Now tighten the strings.

This instrument can be played like a regular fucking guitar.

Next instrument is a cigar box guitar. The materials for this can be found for free, except for the tools to make it. You will need a drill and your Hep C knife at the very least. The instructions are about the same as the canjo, except there are three strings and a cigar box is used as a resonator. I could give more details, but it would make for a long article, so I am just going to say fucking Google the directions.

Finally, we have a third step in place, and this is for the bass player.

There are two ways this can be done, either via a washtub bass, or via a jug player. Both will have a low bottom end sound to go with the guitar melodies.

To build the washtub bass, get a washtub, and poke a hole in the bottom of it. Then get a length of nylon string, feed it through the hole, and tie a not in the inside end of the washtub so the string will not go through the hole.

Next, get a broomstick and carve a slit as wide as the bottom lip of the washtub. Now wrap the untied end of the string to the top of the broomstick until tight. To play it, just move the broom stick back and forth creating different tensions of the string for the notes.

In the case of the jug, just find a jug, and put your lips over one side of it and buzz your lips for the different notes. Videos on YouTube explain this better.

Now for the drummer. Pretty much, find a washboard and a bunch of thimbles or two spoons and make drum beats off of that, or just get anything that makes a noise.

Now take a combination of any number of these instruments, start a band, and show off how seriously you take this DIY shit and piss off bragging poseurs in the process.

A Brief Word on Lemmy

"When my oldest daughter was about five, I played a live concert video of Motörhead for her. The show opened, as always, with Lemmy announcing, “We are Motörhead and we play rock and roll.”

At that moment, my daughter’s jaw dropped and she let out this odd noise—part delight and part fear. That noise. That will be how I always remember Lemmy.

He played rock and roll."

Lemmy with Vice Squad's Beki Bondage

—Ben Butina

Reviews | Super Awesome Macho - Deep Water [2014, self-released]

by Sam Sinister

Tongue-in-cheek, egomaniacal, and self-referential amalgam of punk, surf, hard rock, and garage, sung by an ageless ginger army vet. Quite a few numbers even hinge on all-out American-style psychobilly—sans the usual upright bass, or any obvious cowpunk and honky-tonk influences—sounding something like horror punk songs, minus the horror.

The lyrics are hilarious slabs of satire and over-the-top bravado, referencing everything from Star Wars, junk food, drug addicts, unicorns, cowboys, Youngstown, video games, girls, and monster trucks, all while showcasing the sonic monstrosity that is Greasy Steve Dixon's guitar work, which sounds something like a Frankenstein's monster pieced together from parts of Dick Dale, Poison Ivy Rorschach, and Greg Ginn. Singer Texas Pete Wildman croons and hiccups in a style that's equal parts punk and roots.

The entire thing was recorded live by Tommy Horror in a warehouse, in one take—so it's obviously raw. Surprisingly, though, it's an extremely professional-sounding recording of a band that's obviously tight and well-rehearsed.

A for effort, or is it E for effort? E for Everyone. A for Awesome. Whatever. As far as replay value, it's only left my CD player twice—briefly, mind you—in the week I've had it. Can't wait for the next one. Bring it!

[Get the CD album here. Listen to schtuff here.]

Photos | Commandos and Super Awesome Macho @ Yorktown Lanes, 9/26/15

Photography by Sam Sinister.

Reviews | Turbosonics - Tres Gatos Suave (2015, self-released)

by Ben Butina

Alrighty, hodads, here’s the standard rundown on surf music.

It’s the early '60s in Southern California, and loads of teenage Baby Boomers are (a) learning to surf, and (b) dancing with each other. Naturally, they invent a form of instrumental dance music that sounds the way surfing feels. There’s a steady, driving drumbeat and a reverb-soaked guitar that supposedly mimics the experience of riding the waves.

After only five years, though, the heavier sounds and themes of the British Invasion and psychedelia washes out the surf sound. Surf rock has a minor resurgence in the '90s—thanks to Tarantino using the surf classic Miserlou in the opening of Pulp Fiction—but, it never really recovers from its wipeout long enough to get back into the mainstream. Everybody got that?

At first glance, it looks like surf rock is the ultimate “scene” music, arising as it did from a very specific subculture. In reality, most surf rockers never touched a board in their lives. (Hell, bands like The Trashmen out of Minneapolis were thousands of miles from the nearest wave.) Fortunately, surf is the kind of scene that doesn’t involve obsessively separating the “authentic” from the “poseurs.” There are certain kinds of guitars and clothes that most surf rock bands prefer, but for the most part, it really is just about the music, man.

This is one of the nice things about surf: you can pretty much leave the “scene” baggage at the door. It’s impossible for anyone to be in a fake surf band because there are no qualifications other than playing surf music. And, it’s impossible for any surf band to sell out because there’s no money to sell out for. (The most popular surf musician in the world is Dick Dale, and he’s touring constantly just to barely pay his medical bills.) As a newb, you never have to worry about anyone giving you a hard time. They’re happy to have you.

So, are the Turbosonics out of landlocked Pittsburgh, PA a real surf band? Is their new release, Tres Gatos Suave, an authentic surf album? Yes. Now on to the more important question of whether or not it’s any good.

If you’re new to surf music—or you’re only familiar with the '60s stuff— will be a good introduction to where this genre has gone in the last half-century while you were busy sniffing glue and staring at your smartphone.

Surf has gotten bigger and heavier since the '60s, but the focus is still on the melody. Listen to enough surf, and you’ll catch on that this melody business is right at the heart of the music. Too much experimentation and improvisation and you lose the purity and sweetness of the melody. Your music becomes a kind of reverb-soaked jazz and your audience doesn’t have a place to hang its hat. Keep it too simple, though, and your audience gets bored. By the time you’ve played your hook for the third time, the audience is already done with the song.

For most of the tracks on Tres Gatos Suave, guitarist Jason Truckenbrod does a solid job of finding this melodic sweet spot. He passes what I call the “hum” test. (Here’s how it works: When you’re done listening to a track, can you hum the melody? If the song got too far out there, the melody won’t stick. If it was too boring, you won’t want to hum the melody because you’ll be sick of it.) That said, there are a few tracks that I think he veered too far across the experimental border for my taste and I lost the thread. I am a remarkably simple-minded creature when it comes to melody, though, so your mileage may vary.

Melody will always be the heart of surf, and melody is timeless. If "Walk Don’t Run" or "Apache" were released today, we’d be humming those tunes, not saying, “Those melodies sound old-fashioned.” We would probably notice that the rhythm section sounds a little outdated, though, and that’s where surf has evolved most noticeably over the last 50 years. Keith Caldwell (bass) and Timmy Klatte (drums) do a great job of adding texture and interest to these songs while, at the same time, never losing the beat. (Which ain’t easy, kids!)

[You can listen to, and purchase, this release here. -Ed.]

Ben Butina lives in Westylvania with his patient wife and four kids. He plays guitar, bass, drums, piano, and harmonica—all poorly. If you’ve got a beef with him—or if you want to contact him for non-beef related communication—send your alcohol-soaked manifesto to butina@gmail.com.

Columns | i am not my hair; or rather, i am which is why you shouldn't touch me.

by whiskey

so listen up, sugar lumps.

i change my hairstyle semi-regularly. it can be short, fluffy, and coily or long in braids or loose fun and textured curls. whatever style it is, it is mine. and you do not have the right to touch me.

you read that right, ya walnuts.

you (yes, you!) do not have the right or agency to touch me without asking my permission. “but your hair! it’s so big/fluffy/pretty/interesting/gorgeous! I MUST TOUCH.” no, you must not touch! my hair is a part of me, even if it’s not all mine. when you visit a museum, do you put your hands all over the artwork? my hair is part of my body & unless i have expressly told you it’s okay to touch me, you don’t get to place your hands on the masterpiece.

do we understand each other, my lil’ pumpkin spice lattes?

wonderful. carry on.

Columns | FUCK YOUR LIFESTYLE SHAMING

by Jetboy Crisp

You know what? I'll tell ya.

FUCK YOU.

Yes, YOU, with your stupid fucking marathon runs for AIDS, or whatever. You're not doing it for the cause, you lying cunt—we all know the real reason. You want that all-important feeling of superiority.

We see it in your CrossFit updates on Facebook; the Instagram pics of your latest vegan cuisine conquest; your gym member t-shirt. The "tsk-tsk" you give the rest of us whenever you see the fast food wrappers on the passenger side floor of our cars. The repulsed expression on your face every time one of us farts. YOU aren't fooling ANYONE, fucker.

If I had a quarter for every time some smug hamster wheel jockey, fresh from some torrid affair with an exercise bike, had the audacity to tell me everything I'm doing wrong with my life, I'd make a dildo out of quarters and pistol-whip that sonofabitch.

Do us all a favor: get yourself a fucking life—and then end it.

Just go ahead, kill yourself.

That way, you can be sure you died young, and pretty, at your physical fucking peak, while the rest of us fall apart slowly from self-abuse with pizza while binge-watching marathons of Breaking Bad.

Columns | This Town Needs an Enema

by Sam Sinister

So, I'm living in Cleveland now, and I'm trying to blend in with the natives. NO, I'm not pretending to be a huge Browns advocate who hates himself... in fact, while we're on the topic, FUCK FOOTBALL.

I'm listening to the Pack A.D. and Black Death, and drinking the last of the Black Velvet in my freezer, and it occurs to me: I have no fucking clue what to write.

This is an ongoing problem.

So why would I want to write a zine? Because this town needs an enema. But I'm out of booze, and I'm already drunk, but not quite drunk enough. Maybe I should walk to the corner store... think I'll get run over?

I'm thinking about punk rock, the rarity that is good metal, or at least what I would consider good, GG Allin on Jerry Springer, and booze.

And Cleveland.

Specifically, why there are so many bands, and none of them know about each other—

Eureka! THAT'S why I wanted to write a zine. Because these lazy, self-centered fucks won't know how to network with each other if somebody doesn't.

This piece is going to be a whole fucking mess in the morning when I sober up.

Fuck it.

Microsoft just won't let up with their fucking offers for Windows 10

Sam Sinister is a 30-something Pennsylvanian living in enemy territory who writes music and prose on a laptop in his bathroom. He is the former vocalist for street punk band Dead City Dealers, and currently plays guitar in Sump Pump Sluts and Kingsbury Runners, and sings for digital hardcore outfit, Shart 69.

Columns | What Ruins Local Shows

by John Stahlman

As someone who has played, and went to local shows for like a decade, I have seen bands that were really killer, and blew my mind, and others that just made me wish I spent my $4 on a couple of 40's instead. I do not normally say a band outright sucks, but there are some bands that just annoy the piss out of me, and tend to just make for a boring show, and then people wonder why their music scene dies.

Tᴏᴘ 5 Bᴀɴᴅs Tʜᴀᴛ Wɪʟʟ Rᴜɪɴ Your Lᴏᴄᴀʟ Sʜᴏᴡ

5. Tʜᴇ Bᴀɴᴅ Tʜᴀᴛ Oɴʟʏ Pʟᴀʏs 3 Sᴏɴɢs

I get that some bands have to start somewhere, but unless your three songs take up the whole set list, add some covers, or write more material before playing. It just seems like a waste of time to see a music group play for 8 minutes and then leave.

This is especially bullshit when you go to a show that is supposed to be, like, 3 hours long, and it ends in a half hour because the show was booked with nothing but bands that do this. It also hurts the promoter who rented the venue, out of the amount of money they paid to keep the place open long enough for bands to have a half-hour set each.

This results in the promoter not wanting to waste their money, and just not even bothering in the first place. Nice job, guys.

4. Tʜᴇ Sᴇʟғ-Rɪɢʜᴛᴇᴏᴜs Pᴜɴᴋ Bᴀɴᴅ Tʜᴀᴛ Dᴏesɴ'ᴛ Sʜᴜᴛ the Fuck Uᴘ

I have nothing against political bands, or bands that stand for an agenda, but I really fucking hate it when the entire set is based on how your views are better than everyone else's and how we should be ashamed of ourselves because we:

drink
eat meat
vote
don't vote
live and breathe

Just fucking play. If I wanted to go to a concert with nothing but holier-than-thou, fascist bullshit ranters telling me how to live my life, I'd go see Ted Nugent.

(At least with Nugent, there's supposed to be the bullshit rockstar mentality of him being at a higher standing than the audience. In a local show the audience and the performers are equals, so treat us all like your equals and do what you're there to do: play.)

If you want to play a song and then just rant, go to a damn protest, and play there.

Or create a blog or a zine.

3. Tʜᴇ Pᴏᴘ Pᴜɴᴋ Cᴏᴠᴇʀ Bᴀɴᴅ

This is something that I run into all the time. Like, I've been to shows where 5 bands played the same Blink 182 and Fallout Boys songs, over and over. Like, how about actually writing original material, so everything doesn't just sound like an iPod playlist on fucking repeat?

2. Tʜᴇ Oᴠᴇʀᴛʟʏ Hᴀʀᴅ-Ass Mᴇᴛᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ Bᴇᴀᴛᴅᴏᴡɴ Hᴀʀᴅᴄᴏʀᴇ Bᴀɴᴅ

Metal is known for its "hyper-masculinity," but in most cases it's tolerable, and is just based on looks, and not their actual personalities.

However, every so often, some douchebags with ʀᴏɪᴅ-ʀᴀɢᴇ decide to start a band, and then just try to be heavy and "hardcore", so they can seem cool. These bands usually have the singer beating on his chest like a gorilla, threaten people for not voting for them at the battle of the bands, and flex their muscles a lot.

The worst thing about these bands is that they attract even more douchey friends, who gang up and beat on people who call them out for being a douche.

Not to mention, most people in these bands are in love with Disturbed and Five Finger Death Punch, and will stop at nothing to replicate the shitty sound of those bands.

1. Tʜᴇ Mᴇᴛᴀʟᴄᴏʀᴇ/Dᴇᴀᴛʜᴄᴏʀᴇ Bᴀɴᴅ

First of all, I wanna say this does not include bands who have the sound of the first wave metalcore bands (like Earth Crisis, Shah Hulud, Bio Hazard, and Chokehold). The number-one type of band that can ruin a local show are bands that wanna be Whitechapel, Bring me the Horizon, or A Day to Remember. Say what you want about these bands, they have their fan base (which may have fucked tastes in music, but whatever) and it's not the fact that they play metalcore—It's the fact that they all sound the fucking same.

These local metalcore bands (or deathcore bands—both are fucking guilty of this) try so hard to be like their idols, they bring nothing new to the table. I guarantee if you walk out in the middle of a local metal band's set and come back with your eyes closed during the next band's set, you'd swear it was the same fucking band.

Every time I go to a show anymore it seems all it is is "chug-chug breakdown, off-pitched, flat, clean, pop punk vocals," and shallow growls and screams during yet-another-fucking breakdown. The local metalcore bands are so formulaic that it just makes everything so boring, so no one fucking cares that a band is playing, and most of the crowd just flocks to the bar. (Unless it's a dry show, then the crowd just stands there and stares, or makes fun of the kids with their Hot Topic/Warped Tour shirts, trying to mosh to the br00t4l bands.)

I, on the other hand, go throw up in a fucking trash can.

Now, in all honesty, I would not have a problem with these bands if they just did something that was their own, instead of being carbon copies. It's like being a cover band without being a cover band.

John Stahlman is the current bassist of the punk trio Omission and has also been in numerous other bands in the northwestern Pa scene, including Paint Thinner, TxSxOxDx, Made Not Born, Wydell, and Choke The Bastard (now Vermin Warfare). He has a Bachelor of Arts from the University of Pittsburgh at Bradford and majored in Broadcast Communications with a minor in Public Relations, if that has any merit to it anymore. While at college he hosted a few radio shows at the campus' student radio station WDRQ1620 AM, most notably the Underground Vault, which played local music, and also covered the Biological and Health Sciences department while writing for the student newspaper The Source. Stahlman is currently unemployed, in debt, and has gotten to embrace even more of his nihilistic punk rock view of life.

News | Punk Rock Doc Union Calls for Boycott of New Cleveland Hardcore Documentary

by D.X. Ferris

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The new hardcore documentary, Destroy Cleveland, has sparked an outcry from the Punk Rock Documentary & Historical Testimony Union.

“All card-carrying punks should boycott this movie,” says Ian MacKaye, president of the union’s influential Washington, D.C. chapter, Local No. 138. “It is not up to the standards we have come to expect from a documentary about this important form of American music. Specifically, it fails to include testimony from several key figures in the history of punk rock.”

Local 138 members include Dischord Records founder MacKaye (ex-Minor Threat, Fugazi) and fellow punk icon Henry Rollins (ex-Black Flag, S.O.A.).

At least one of the duo have appeared in every punk history, including the book and movie versions of American Hardcore, Punk: Attitude, The Art of Punk — Black Flag, We Jam Econo: The Story of the Minutemen, the D.C./Virginia episode of Dave Grohl’s Sonic Highways series, and About.com’s The History of Punk Rock.

But neither MacKaye nor longtime associate Rollins appear in the independently produced documentary.

“I don’t know Cleveland hardcore, and I don’t have anything to say about it,” explained MacKaye in the chapter's plush office, a fat cigar dangling from his mouth. “But if you think you’re gonna make a punk rock documentary without Big Ian Mick-ay, you are sorely mistaken. I don’t care how many of your little buddies from the One Shocks Terror Crew or whatever want to relive their glory days; I have 15 of Dischord’s finest corporate lawyers on my side, plus another little secret weapon you may have heard of.”

“That’s right,” added Rollins, emerging from a shadow in the corner. “I hear it’s a nice documentary the Ohio boys put together. It would be a shame if something were to… happen to it.”

Destroy Cleveland director Matthew Greenfield, an Ohio native who currently lives in Texas, says MacKaye and Rollins simply do not belong in the movie.

“Ian and Henry are accomplished figures in the punk movement, no question,” explained Greenfield via Skype. “But they weren’t on the scene. Though many Cleveland hardcore personalities went on to play in major acts like [platinum alt-rock band] Filter, Sepultura, and CIV, half the point of this film is to document groups whose primary audience and impact were in Cleveland.”

According to MacKaye, the film’s initials, “D.C.,” constitute an actionable copyright infringement against both the phrase “[Washington] D.C.,” which he copyrighted in 1982, and the typographically specific term “harDCore.”

Greenfield said he sent Dischord’s publicity firm a list of questions about Cleveland bands from the 1980s through the modern era, including Integrity, Confront, Outface and Face Value. According to the director, 13 months later, he received an invoice from the union, a postcard from MacKaye that read simply “Never heard of ’em — IxMx” and a list of demands that included 15 minutes of screen time for members of his local.

“Ian wanted me to pay for my own transportation to Washington,” claims Greenfield. “Then I would have had to pay $10,000 cash for him to tell me the story about the first time he saw [the] Bad Brains play in the D.C. ghetto. It has nothing to do with Cleveland. And I’ve heard it before.”

“I’ll tell him what fits in his movie,” retorted MacKaye. “This is about two things: the historical truth, and me getting paid. One, if I don’t have anything to say about it, it never happened. And two, people don’t buy CDs any more, so appearing in documentaries is the primary means of income for our hard-working, law-abiding members. And lemme tell ya: bitches and hamburgers are not cheap.”

“You heard Mister MacKaye,” said Rollins, flexing a massive right bicep. “We have a little saying around these parts: 'The "Ee" don’t talk for free.' ”

“The cigar and the part about the burgers are off the record,” added MacKaye. “I’m a vegan icon.”

Destroy Cleveland premiers Friday, July 24 at Cleveland’s Ohio City Masonic Center. A post-show concert will follow, at the nearby Foundry nightclub, featuring a reunion set by the Gordon Solie Motherfuckers.

“Never heard of them, either,” said MacKaye.

— 30 —

[Note to Reader: If you're taking any of this seriously, you're an idiot. -Ed.]

D.X. Ferris wrote two books about Slayer. People seem to like them. Learn more at SlayerBio.com. Ferris doodles a webcomic called Suburban Metal Dad. Nobody seems to like it. Learn more at SuburbanMetalDad.com. He used to write the Around Hear column for Cleveland Scene, back when it was still half-decent. He started doing DDP Yoga after throwing his back out while humping your mom.

Columns | SNACK REVIEWS

Welcome to the first of hopefully many parts of this here review section, focused around all those things that people tell us not to eat—Namely candy, snacks, junk food, sodas, and things of that nature.

For future reviews, I might bring in some outside help, and have a little discussion around the sampled goodies. But for this first time around, you’ll just have to keep up with my company. I’m Mike Original, and if you got some snacks or something you think I’d like, please contact me.

For this first edition, I went on a strool downtown, and checked into the different Asian markets we have where I live. I frequent one of the stores pretty often and the people working there are very helpful and also tease you if you choose the less strong sweetchilisauce, so it’s a good store. They have a large selection of sweets and things of that nature, but I had decided beforehand to focus on chips and the likes of that, so no candy this time.

I also bought the drink I’m reviewing there. Thank you to Khai Hoan and Siam Shop in Linköping.

Name: Carada Nugget

Flavour: Chicken Spicy

Made by: Greenland

Weight: 75g

Not suitable for cornallergics

I’ve been a vegetarian for over 20 years and chicken is pretty much the only thing I miss eating, so I was really excited to try this snack. The snack is a puffed corn, similar to a cheese crunchie, but square. I liked that it was crispy and had a bite to it, but still was easy to eat much like already mentioned cheese crunchie, or something of that nature. To quote one of those pretentious TV-chefs... it was light, and I don’t really see a problem eating the whole bag without getting sick. The snack might be baked instead of fried actually, which only adds to the light feeling. The big winner with this snack is the taste. It tastes great. Not sure it tastes like chicken, but maybe a little if I remember correctly. The taste is a bit sweet and has a good pepper-taste. It’s not hot but the pepper gives it a nice warm feeling when you eat it. It’s black pepper, and they manage to sprinkle exactly the right amount on these snacks to make it taste great. I also like the fact that the ingredientslist isn’t a mile long, it’s only 5 ingredients and from what I can see they’re all natural. Corn, rice, sugar, pepper and vegetable oil. Perfect.

Definitely a snack I’ll buy again. Highly recommended!

8/10

Name: Carada Nugget

Flavour: Sesame Seaweed

Made by: Greenland

Weight: 75g

Not suitable for cornallergics or soyallergics

Same company and same sort of snacks as the Chicken Spicy-snack. Whenever I go out to eat sushi I always get the seaweed-salad. It has quickly become one of my favourite things to eat.

Does it translate well into a snack? Well…. Not really, I’m afraid. I was hoping that this snack would either be just as tasty as the salad or disgusting to the point of being funny.

But it wasn’t any of those things. I kinda liked the snack, but it wasn’t anywhere near as tasty as the chicken spicy. It was sweet and had a little aftertaste of the seaweed, but nothing that stood out really. It was actually a bit too sweet to be a snack for a movienight, but wasn’t sweet enough to be a candy for a movienight. I tried it before I tried the chicken spicy so the grade for this one got lowered when I found out exactly how good snacks from the Greenland company can be. If someone had these and treated me to a couple I’d eat them, but it wasn’t as good as I hoped. It’s hard to translate something as delicious as seaweed-salad into a cornsnack… but nice try!

6/10

Name: Cornae

Flavour: American Corn Snack

Made by: Useful Food

Weight: 56g

Not suitable for cornallergics or soyallergics

In Sweden we have a snack called Sombreros, which is basically the same snacks as these but this is much sweeter. I’m not really into snacks being sweet, I’m more into salty, hot, or with some kind of onion or herbal-flavour. Since I’m used to the Sombreros, which are salty, it felt a bit weird to eat these snacks, which look exactly the same but taste differently. When I got over the sweet in the flavour it was ok, but still not digging it a whole lot.

A funny thing about this bag is the note on the back which states that the snack is “attractive to eat, valuable to health and good for family’s…” Not sure if corn snacks are really valuable for your health, but hey.. if the bag says so, it must be true.. mustn’t it? I’ll stick with Sombreros in the future.

5/10

Name: Snack Jack

Flavour: BBQ

Made By: Unknown (Can’t read Thai… sorry)

Weight: 70g

First thing that hit me when I opened the bag was that it had a strong scent, and I understood right away that this time it’s gonna be hot. I was partially right.

It was pretty hot, but not to the point of being unbearable. I’m in no way a tough person when it comes to spices and chiliflavours but this was on the right side of that line. I like it hot, but to a certain degree.

Jalapénos is usually my go to place when I wanna spice something up. Snack Jack packed a good sort of hot punch and it gave me a light burning sensation on my tongue, but it’s good.

It has a bbq flavour which fades out into this strong taste that stays with you after the bag is done. The color of the snack might be a bit offputting for some. It’s sorta looks like French fries with a hint of green to it, but that’s all from the snacks being made with green peas. This is a first for me, and I hope it’s not the last because the consistency is perfect. Crispy with a bite to it, and I think the green peas gives it a sweet flavour which mixes perfectly with the strong spices.

I also love the logo. A happy green pea with a head band, can’t go wrong with that. Snack Jack, ladies and gentlemen: My new friend.

I once again gotta hand it to Snack Jacks that the consistency is really nice, and every piece is packed full of taste. I really liked it, and my first encounter with snacks made with green peas couldn’t be better.

8/10

Name: Fresh

Flavour: Basil seed with honey

Made by: V. Thai Food

290 ml

Me and some friends meet up almost every Tuesday to hang out and watch UFC or a movie.

Sometimes we buy funny snacks and drinks to try out, much like I have done for this review section. A couple of months ago, I bought a coconutdrink that had bits of coconut floating around in the drink. The taste was nice, but the pieces of nut were a bit hard for us to muster, since it had been soaking in liquid and got a bit slimy. So I thought I’d up the ante and try this basil seed drink.

First thing I noticed was the smell—it had a light beer-smell to it, but mixed up with seawater that has been sitting in a glass still somewhere. The taste was also similar to how I think that old seawater taste, with a hint of something grassy if the grass had been wet and has gone a bit bad.

The honey did nothing to disguise it, unfortunately. But the worst thing was all the seeds. I can’t get past drinking something that has small pieces of slimy, kinda-hard particles in it. I just can’t. I was about to throw up, first from the seeds and then from the taste, and then from trying to explain this drink.

Hats off to anyone who can finish this bottle. On the shelves in the store there were more drinks like this, and if I know myself I’ll probably buy all of them... stay tuned.

The grade is a bit higher because I got chocked about how undrinkable it was, and I think I might have to buy it some other time and try to get other people to drink it (To paraphrase GSMF from Cleveland: If I’m at your party you’re shit out of luck!).

3/10